Your Relationships Questions Answered: Free Relationship Advice

​Hi, I'm Jollanda, your relationship coach.

​Here​ ​you will find your relationship questions answered  in order to give you some direction, and real help for your relationship. ​The latest questions that you send are always on top.

jolanda hercog

Q: ​I don't know how to heal from my divorce. I'm so sad missing him still. I'm in a relationship but don't feel in love with him.  How to move on from my ex?

​There is nothing wrong with you, but with ​ two small children ​do you ever have time for just you? Maybe you are not weeping of sadness because you lost your husband, maybe you are weeping of sadness because you lost YOU, you lost​ the woman that you were before your kids and ​marriage problems happened to you and you get overwhelmed. To move on from your ex husband, you need to see that. You need to grieve that you lost yourself first.  And then start to find you again. Maybe reading th​is could help you more with finding you again.

Q: I am in open relationship, but tired of being criticized by people who believe that monogamous is the only way to unconditional love another.

When somebody criticized you, look at him as somebody who is scared. Scared of people who are different. Behind his rules about love, there are questions, that he did not dare to ask himself, at least not out loud. What if all the rules about monogamy are actually limiting love?
It’s not about you. It’s about him. When you see that it’s all about him, his fears, his limitation about love, it’s easier to look at him with compassion. At the end what we all want is to be accepted for who we are. Have you ever thought that behind his behavior of being right, maybe he doesn’t feel accepted for who he is by you, living a totally different way of love? I don’t say that you are not accepting him, I know you do. But for him it’s not easy to see that, living behind the walls that limit the love. And I know that it’s could still hurt even when you are aware of that. When somebody could not accept me, it could still hurt but at the same time, I could understand that if I would believe what they believe, if I would have fears about love that they have, maybe I would do that same, as they do.

Q:

How to deal with someone who doesn’t open up and talk about disagreements in the relationship?

My husband doesn't communicate with me. We have small arguments that he thinks are “huge fights” and during those arguments, he is just silent and ignores me! Is he immature? Does he just not care?

I understand that is not easy for you, that you feel alone when he acts like that. There could be two reasons why he is responding that way. Have you ever asked him how his parents communicated? That's where he 'learned' how to avoid arguments. It could be that they have huge fights that never solve any disagreement. Which one of his parents escaped into silence? How painful was that for your boyfriend? He is ​37 years old, but when it came to a disagreement between you too, that trigger all the memory from his childhood and suddenly he is a helpless 5-year-old boy. What you should do? Ask him about his childhood. If he is not ready to talk about that, then give him space and be kind, do not pressure him. He is not immature, he is in pain as you are when this happen.

Ana: Has anyone chosen not to date or have a relationship at all?
How did you break the urge to find a mate?

I could so relate to that,  after years of trying to find my soul mate. I was just so tired of searching that I just gave up. I was so done with all these.

That’s my story:

I was wondering for years why nobody loves me. Why everybody around me have a relationship except me. And I felt lonely and deeply depressed. Desperately trying to find the love of my life. Tired of constantly finding all the wrong men for me. Tired of being treated like I am the only one that don’t deserve love.

I tried to suppress the pain of loneliness and lack of love with all kind of addictions from food to workaholic. Nothing worked.

Then I finally give up my quest of searching for love from people start to find out how I alone could still enjoy my life more.

It was slow process, step by step. Every day I tried to discover new things that I like to do, like to learn, at least a little bit.

I tried so many new things, a lot of them just to discover that these are not things that I want to do. But between them I find my new love, love for mountain biking and hiking.

I was surprised how much that change me. Make me feel ok with me. I start to enjoy my life a little more. I start to enjoy being with myself a little more. There were moments when I finally felt that I am ok, not just ok, but that I am more than ok, that life is full of excitement (from time to time) even without having a partner.

I start the journey of exploration who I am and what I love to do.

And thru that, I slowly start to open my heart a little to people that I meet cycling in the nature. And that was beginning of explorations why and how I close my heart (because of all the people that hurt me in the past) and how to open it up again.

​B: I just feel so desperate to be in a relationship. I think it’s ​because I don’t love my self that much that I want someone else to love me.

I think that the solutions aren't in just loving yourself. I (and probably you too) know a lot of people who just don't love themselves much, but they are still in a relationship. Otherwise, there wouldn't be so many people with problems in the relationship. I believe it is natural to want to be in a relationship, there is nothing wrong with wanting that. Love is a beautiful thing, who wouldn't want that. And why would it be wrong to want that? I wouldn't call your desire for love desperate. The more you want something the more you will be willing to give love in a relationship, when the right person comes by. I would say that your desire for love is a beautiful thing about you. And instead of worrying about not loving yourself enough, start to think more about how to be yourself more, how to hide your authentic self less, how to enjoy who you are more. Isn't that self-love, to love all of you, even the beautiful imperfect parts of you (who said that they are imperfect?) to stop hiding it. Sometimes love could not find us, because we are hiding, hiding all those parts of ourselves, that somebody would love.

​I:  He doesn't show me affections. What to do?

​You will find out when ​you started to appreciate him, for showing ​you his love on his ways, he will somehow on some level f​eel that (I doubt that he will be actually aware of that) and (it​ may take a time) start showing ​you the love on the way that ​you expected.

I guess that’s the only way that may that work. How to get ​your own expectation be met by him.  It’s like ​your appreciation for his way melt away some walls how he needs to be as a m​an and allows his soft side to came t​through.

Copyright 201​9, Jollanda Hercog s.p.