Loving actions 2 – Give up problem-solving
Most couples believe, “If only we could solve our problems, then we could be happy together.” The opposite is actually true: if you focus first on being happy together, some problems will diminish.
There are two kinds of relationship problems
- relationship problems that need to be solved
- relationship problems that will be solved by themselves, if we focus on loving each other instead of finding solutions for them
How to decide which problem we still need to resolve
I use relationship process 4 loving question to see, if the problem needs to be solved or it will simple diminish because the cause for the problem is something else, not what you trying to solve (Click here to read how I used 4 loving questions with the problem: He doesn’t support me.)
Relationship Problem1 – You need something that you don’t get from your partner
I always imagine that true love is about having a common interest, doing things together. And we never have that. When I give up finding a solution to that problem,
what happened was that I felt more loved, I get more attention. We did spend less time together. But I realize that how much love you feel doesn’t depend on time.
I could get more love from him in 10 minutes that we spend drinking coffee in the morning then spending the whole day together doing something that we have in common.
It must be about how open I am to receive his love. It looks like I am more open in those 10 minutes of sharing a coffee than doing something together for the whole day.
Problems are the symptoms not the cause of unhappy marriage.
We approach solving relationship problems the same way as we solve any other problems. In my experience, that approach doesn’t work. When I have work-related problems like finding a way to speed up some automated task at work, it was all about my logical mind and thinking. Then brainstorming with coworkers, what would be the best solution. It was a logical process if you do that you will get result A if you do something else you will get result B.
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In love relationship, we have two people, who do not always behave and act logically. You and your partner have feelings and all kind of emotions like fears, anger, hurt that have a big impact on your problem and interfere with your logical mind. As men often said, you never know how the woman will react, there is no logic in her thinking. Suddenly she is hurt and I have no idea what I did or how to react to that. When the emotions are involved in the problem, you could never solve it just by following logical steps. There will always some missing piece, your partner will react totally illogical. You could agree on something, yet your partner would not be able to follow that agreement. Not because he doesn’t want to. But because he doesn’t have total control over his emotions and deep-seated fears that blocking him. In the end, you and your partner are disappointed and the same problems keep coming back thru the years.
Loving Action 2 invites you to try using the opposite approach: always focus first on creating a harmony between partners, feeling of acceptance and love. Only then, within this harmonious atmosphere, should you ever begin to resolve conflicts or solve problems.
Like John Donoughue Irish mystic and poet said that healing happens when you shine your kindness and love on the wounded heart, not by scratching the wound over and over again.
Why we need to create a safe place to solve relationship problems
I always feel defensive or tense, when the problem arises. At my day job, it is easier because I don’t need to go into my heart and feelings, I could stay in a safe place of logical mind and solving the problem on that level. But a relationship is a totally different story. I am more vulnerable, I am open, my feelings are a big part of me in the love relationship.
The less I feel save the less I will be open to see the problem thru my partner eyes. I will be too preoccupied with protecting me, to stay open to see his point of view.
I will be firmly on the other side then he is. Wouldn’t be able to open my mind.
Would see the problem as he wants me to change. The small voice in the back of my head will bring up all the memories neatly stored in files and find the reason why he wants to change me.
It will be all about I am not good enough. I need to be something else. And my mind will continue with I need to be somebody else. And finally, in the last file back in my mind storage, it will find something about What if he doesn’t love me?.
For relationship problems to be solved you need first safe, healing environment where they could start to be healed or addressed. We bring in a relationship all kind of memories and learned behavior how to protect ourselves from being hurt.
Some relationship problems could be solved only when you see a bigger picture of yourself and your partner
All the greatest and most important problems of this life are fundamentally unsolvable. They can never be solved, but only outgrown. This “outgrowing” [requires] a new level of consciousness. Some higher or wider interest appears on the horizon…
CONCLUSION – focus on creating a safe, supportive, loving space in your relationship
Instead of trying to solve your relationship problems, spend your time and energy to create loving, supportive environment in your relationship, create ‘cozy home’ where you two will regenerate and revitalize yourself and with that increase the flow of love in your relationship.
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