What to do when you can’t find time for dates with your spouse in your marriage?
Do you sometimes complain like me with, “I don’t have time for date nights,” or, “I don’t have time to work on our relationship.” There are too many tasks, long days at work, food shopping, laundry, homework, after-school activities, sports, and lessons. The list never ends.
The only response to that that I got was: “You have to make the time if you want your marriage to survive.
Every piece of advice that I ever read on the internet was only how to make time or what I could lose if I don’t make dating a high priority.
Nobody was sharing any alternative to dating in marriage, they all say something like you need to become the master of your time.
I don’t know about you, but when everybody starts telling me that I NEED TO DO SOMETHING,
I always respond with:
What if there is something else that I can do?
What if the secret to finding time for your relationship has nothing to do with time spent together?
What I discovered about time and deepening our relationship after I stumble upon the problem of not finding enough time for dates?
I used to believe that dates are something that will make us stay together, make us stay in love.
We went on dates, but with time I notice that dates did not intimacy and closeness that I was hoping for.
I know that dates worked for so many, maybe even for you.
But for me hey just became one more task to do in an already crowded life.
Plus I was so tired of me being the one that suggests them, organize them and make plans for them.
Then I just gave up. I throw dating out of my to-do list.
And then I have a talk with myself. I sat down with a cup of coffee and my favorite biscuits and
I ask myself these 4 questions, that change a lot (not everything).
Dating in marriage – question to ask to find out how to feel close to each other without dating
4 important questions that I ask myself when I decide to give up on dates
- What will a date give me?
- How could I get that without going on a date?
- Can I get that being together as a family?
- Can we do something together that is on our weekly to-do list of activities?
What will date give me and how could I get that without going on a date
When I gave up on dates, I sit down and ask myself what will a date give me?
And how could I get that without going on a date?
All kind of things pop up in my mind: closeness, time away from home, being just two of us together, novelty, change of environment, getting to know each other all over again,
catching up with each other – how we change, who do we become.
How could I get that without going on a date?
And that’s where ideas and opportunity start to come in.
We are all different, so what we did could not be, what would work for you.
But the questions are always the same or similar.
On how many ways can I get this feeling of being loved and being close to each other?
Can I get that being together as a family?
I know that so many said that we as a couple need alone time away from kids. But sometimes my life was so full of obligations, things that you I hade to do, need to do
that when we were finally alone without a kid, we had a hard time to just relax and enjoy.
We could not switch immediately. I discover that my son, when he was little had such a marvelous way to
pull us out of seriousness.
Can I we do something together that is on our weekly to-do list of activities?
Investing in ‘together time’ in this way reinforces your common values as well as builds intimacy
When I gave up on dates, interesting things start to happen
After some time without dates at first I have a feeling that we are drifting further apart, then interesting thing happen.
The feeling of closeness and love start to grow inside me. I felt more loved and I felt more close to him.
Why we grow more close after we stop going on dates together?
I notice that few unplanned things start going on in our relationship. They just happen, we did not plane them.
Or maybe it has something to do with stop trying to plan and control our lives with my logical mind.
And spontaneous ideas just pop up, came out of nowhere. I think that when I stopped listening to my controlling mind,
I finally hear my inner voice, my heart.
How to feel more close to your spouse without dating?
What we were doing differently?
- I was having dates just by myself
- He spends more times doing his activities instead of dating me v
- We start to spend time doing our hobbies together instead of going on dates
- I stop sharing with him everything – especially my emotions
I was having dates just by myself.
We have these gorgeous wood nearby with waterfalls. I love to spend time there, hiking, listening to water and silence.
There it was like my daily burdens fall off me and I could finally hear myself.
I could hear my inner voice and I could hear my heart speaking.
There I could breathe the fresh air of forest and
get creative ideas on how to do things differently in our marriage.
The little annoying things that bothered me in our relationship just get some different perspective,
almost as I could see them with different eyes.
Now I call that my heart whispers.
It was my heart wisdom waking up, or better put,
I could finally hear it without the constant noise of everyday life, family, kids, and job demands.
Like this little remark one morning that came from him and hurt me so deeply.
In the silence between trees, I could hear my own heart sharing that from the men perspective. that just the way he uses his words.
His heart was not trying to hurt me,
the words that he used was just the way he was taught to communicate + his thinking like a man.
If that would happen before and we would be on a date
and start to communicate that, the words would fail us.
That’s why me having dates by myself allow me to communicate with his heart,
listening to my heart wisdom without being distracted by his and my words and logic.
He spends more times doing his activities instead of dating me
At first, I resented that, but when I saw him after he came home so full of excitement and was more loving to me,
I start looking forward to his away time. Our dates never create that much excitement in him.
We start to spend time doing our hobbies together instead of going on dates
I find out that a good way to replace regular ‘dates’ together is to combine our common interests.
For us, that was an hour of hiking even when I stay way back and meet him at the top.
Our bodies need to move, so why not use that time to be together more.
And you don’t even need to find the additional time, it could fit perfectly into your weekly routine of workout that our bodies need.
What do you have in common with your spouse?
How could you use that to spend time together without adding one more thing to your weekly schedule?
I stop sharing with him everything – especially my emotions
I stop sharing that I was hurt because he said that or did not say these or did not give me a compliment.
I start sharing more with my girlfriends about my emotions and analyzing them with them, sharing stories.
I know that they say that in marriage you build intimacy with sharing everything.
I just stopped with that. I tried and he never understood me even when he was trying.
And then I was hurt or feel rejected and closed down. Or even give him my silent treatment.
But when I stop and went with my emotional bag to my girlfriends, I was completely understood and feel better.
I know that these ways of thinking are unusual, but I heard the same reading relationship articles
from dr. Casie Chrispy (The Little Black Book on Relationships)
and also from Susan Page in her book
Why Talking Is Not Enough: Eight Loving Actions That Will Transform Your Marriage.
Is time really essential in maintaining a healthy lasting relationship?
I find out over and over again, that the only essential thing in any relationship is the heart.
When the two hearts are connected, that give you energy and joy for everything else.
So many times when there was a misunderstanding between me and my beloved, it was more often than not about me speaking different languages them him.
Just that. Allowing my heart to speak
often solve more problems in my relationship than anything else, including time, spend together (or not).
READ NEXT:The secret to long-term relationships
What if you and your spouse grew so far apart that you don’t want to spend time together anymore
I heard more than once some version of this:
It would help if I felt like my husband actually wanted to still spend time with me but I have this fear sometimes that I am the last person that he wants to spend his time with.
I am not sure how we grew so far apart but here we are and I am stuck on what we need to do to help bring us back closer together.
If that is your story, take a different approach first. Try simple HEART game without your spouse and that will bring you closer to your spouse.