What are differences anyway? There could be several types of differences. Differences in character, you are more outgoing, he prefers a lot of quiet alone time. Your spouse adores Italian food and you are all about raw, vegan diet. You love summer and beaches, he could not stand the heat. You are a deeply spiritual person, you believe there is more to life than what you see. And he is down to earth person, his moto is I will believe when I see it.
Of course, we could compromise. That’s what we usually do.
We all know that. Why would I repeat that advice that you already know?
Because there is another way.
What I suggest is another way to experience that. To see the differences as something that could add more love to your relationship.
Or to understand that some differences, that you have a hard time to accept, came from his childhood. They are not actually who he is.
Some differences, when you see them more deeply, could cause you to feel more alive because you have him in your life.
Other differences will show you how much the lack of love or wrong way of showing love in his childhood make him the way he is.
How to work out your differences
– focus instead more on who YOU want to become
– Ask yourself how do you feel, when you compromise?
– focus on supporting your partner to become who he wants to become
– Ask your partner about his childhood
That could tell you why he likes or dislikes something. You would understand him better and would be able to see, why he is the way he is.
– Give up your vision of who your partner supposes to be and become- give up the vision of your ideal partner. Because that vision does not exist and because it could limit him
– Keep asking what is so great about one difference (that is different about his character) that you are not getting?
– How could you benefit from his differences? What could you get more because he is different than you
– How could your life be better because of him being different (ask for each thing that he is different, for some you will see the benefit, for some not, keep asking)
– What would I missing in my life, if he changes and we became the same (ask for a specific thing, not general)
– Would my life be more boring if we wouldn’t be so different?
– Did my life expand because of his differences?
– If my life did not expand because of his differences, would I be curious if it could and learn more about his ways of seeing life, of his ways of doing things, of living the life on his way, of seeing other people his way
– What does his difference remind me of? On whom do his differences remind me of?
How do you feel when you compromise?
For me it is about being little less alive, it has a flavor of sacrifice for your loved one, And he will return you a favor and sacrifice for you also.
But is this the only way, if that makes us less alive?
What else is possible?
Yes, imagine. I mean use your imagination.
What would you love to feel instead? How would you love to feel?
First, let’s go thru the scenario of compromise. For instance, you don’t like beaches and hot summer weather, but you still compromise when it’s time for vacation.
You know how you usually feel. That’s the fact.
And WHAT would you love to feel instead? How would you love to feel instead?
That’s using imagination with compromising. Dive deep into that feeling. You on the beach daydreaming about cool breeze and fresh air and mountains all around you.
It is not about the place, but about a feeling that being there would give you. We use place just to find and feel that feeling.
Put that down on your compromise list, this feeling, and one or two words that will remind you of that.
Next. What’s the worse that could happen, if you never compromise?
Just explore the darkest scenario. She will not speak to me, she will be angry; she will give me the silent treatment. She will windrow her love for me. She will start to avoid me.
All the stories that you could come up with from the bottom of your subconscious mind.
And now let’s go to the wild ride. How would you feel if she never compromises again? How difficult your life would be? Or would be actually easier more fun? Would you be more alive? Separate holidays?
How many marriage rules you will need to break for this to come true? Is it worth? Who would you be if you stop compromising?
Would you be more alive? Would you be more fun to be around?
You know being kind and nice when you compromise is nice.
But how much of you is not there when you do something for your partner, that you don’t like or want.
You believe you are compromising so that you could be together. But are you?
I know that your body is there. But where is the rest of you?
Where is your natural joy, not the one that you train yourself to fake? Where is your spontaneity? Doing thing for her may look like the most loving thing to do.
But if you are not there, who is actually doing those loving things for your wife?
You think that you compromise, but in reality, doing things together when somebody wants to and the other doesn’t is actually more like pretending.
You are pretending that you are there. Did your wife really enjoy it? Or she doesn’t know anything else. Or she believes that is as good as it gets.
How much is she really enjoying doing something with you that she loves and you don’t?
I have this argument once with my partner.
I said that I don’t want to go somewhere with him if he doesn’t enjoy it. I felt that something is missing. He was all about just being together.
For him, there was nothing that we could do together that we both enjoy. But he would still compromise.
I sensed that he was not there. He wasn’t. He was missing. His enthusiasm was missing.
I still like to try new things with him. But not turning them into the habit.
Or try the same thing differently. I like finding something new.
But I am so over doing things that I love with him just because he compromises.
I don’t want my relationship to be a pretty picture on the outside. I want it all.
Is my life richer because of our differences?
What would happen if I use 4 loving questions to see what I want to believe about compromising and what it’s actually true for me?
I need to compromise, is this true?
Yes, we will lose connection, we will grow apart, and we will become strangers if we never compromise. That’s selfish if you never compromise.
How do I react when I need to compromise?
I sacrifice for him. I try to enjoy something that I don’t enjoy. I am not there with him when I compromise. In my mind, I escape miles away.
who I am when I forgot all about compromising
I don’t feel guilty when I decide against compromising. When I forgot about the importance of making a compromise I am not afraid of losing love and/or losing the partner.
I don’t need to compromise in my relationship.
Is these truer? When I look back and see all the events when I didn’t compromise I would say yes. Even though at first it always looks like I lost something and draw us apart,
on the long run that actually brought us together. There was less pretending and more sincerity. There was less hiding who we are and trying to be
somebody that I am not or he gets used to being somebody that he is not.