As soon as you are born (actually even before, in your mothers womb) you start bonding with your parents.
For the first few years, you are entirely dependent on them.
Your parents are responsible for your physiological needs (food, clothes, shelter..) as well as emotional (soothing, loving, caring, etc.) needs.
If they are sensitive towards and attuned to these needs, you builds a secure attachment with them and feeling of safety.
You learn indirectly that you can rely on,, and thus trust other people.
A secure and stable attachment is formed.
But if you perceive that your needs are not met and that your parents are not emotionally available or responsive when you seek their attention, affection or support, you learn that you could not trust other people and that you could not relay on them.
You are unable to form a secure bond and insecure attachment style is formed.
Early attachment experiences shape how you form relationship with other people and how much you trust and rely on them. They became part of your inner relationship blueprint.
The way you experience your first social bonds (with your parents) will determine the way you view and behave in relationships in the future (as adults).
But attachment styles are not set in stones.
Our relationships with our parents, influence our present relationships.
The way they responded (or didn’t respond) to our needs can shape our beliefs
- about ourselves (how worthy we are),
- about others (whether they can be trusted) and
- about relationships (what ‘love’ looks like).
Our early relationships provide a template for how relationships go;
- Can I depend on others?
- Will they sooth me when I need it?
- Will they see me for who I really am?
During the first six months of life, promptly picking up a baby who is crying is associated with four major outcomes by the end of the first year of life:
- The baby cries less.
- The baby has learned to self-soothe.
- If the baby needs the caregiver to soothe him/her, the baby will respond more promptly.
- Mother who responded promptly and warmly most of the time (not all the time; nobody can respond ideally all of the time) to the baby’s cries.
All four will create secure attachment that will lead to healthy relationships later in life.