How to protect your marriage from infidelity -

Is it possible to Protect your marriage from infidelity?

Did you know that the majority of people are not cheaters? The most common reason for infidelity (in marriage or relationship) is, that one partner is missing something important in the relationship.
And at the end, he (or she) tries to find that missing piece somewhere else with somebody else. Most of the time is so not about the physical attraction of the opposite gender at all.

A true love story with a sad ending

I still remember the summer evening, sitting with my friend and her new boyfriend in the cafeteria.
She was constantly demanding something from him, nagging him, criticizing him for small stuff.

I was watching them and already asking myself, how long will it take for him to have enough.
How long till he could not take it anymore. How long till he would be exhausted, without energy and tired of her demanding voice and nagging.
What struck me was; how she was doing everything to push him to find love somewhere else and she could not see it.

After three years of marriage and a kid, he cheated on her with another woman. He was not a typical cheater.
He was so desperate and tired and lonely and without energy after a heavy dose of nagging and criticism when he meets this woman.
She was totally opposite of his wife, supporting and loving and appreciative, non-demanding.

First, it was just talking and finding somebody with whom he could take a break from the pressure and feeling that he is a failure as a husband,
that nothing that he does is enough. That no matter how much he tried, his wife is more and more demanding and bitter.
No place for love anymore. Then one thing leads to another and at the end, he left his wife and move in with this woman.

Why spouses cheat? How to protect your marriage from infidelity

Too much criticism and too little appreciation

She believed that she needs to change him into a better version of himself. Like her mother thought her.
And she was doing that successfully. Like her mother did.

The thing is, nobody told her what the real outcome of her effort will be. Not what she believed it will be.
And when she saw with her own eyes the real outcome, lost marriage, it was already too late.

And she also discovers one more thing that nobody told her, that he would gladly do so many things if she just stops criticizing him.
Allow him to do it in his own way. Help her with kids, help her in the household. Help her with daily chores.

If she just knew, that with criticizing she took away all his energy and willingness to help her or just do his part.

She knows that now. If she only knew that he would become the more and better version of himself if he has her support and appreciation.
We often see appreciation as something to boost a person’s ego. But we are really missing the point.

Appreciation is so much more. It is literally one of many ways to save your marriage without relationship counseling.

A woman trying to prove that she doesn’t need a man

When woman act like she could take care of herself and she doesn’t need a man, the man starts to question:
Why do you need me then?
following with disappointing realizations:
You don’t need me at all!

Then he slowly disappears from a relationship.
And find a woman who needs him and feels that he is enough.

In today’s world where a woman can be financially independent, it is not so much about material safety that men provide for her.
It is more about a man having a feeling that she needs him and allowed him to provide something for her.

Not because she could not take care of herself, but because he adores her and want to take care of her.
When a woman tries to prove to the men that she doesn’t need him, that drives him away.

My boyfriend was laughing and teasing me about my need to take care of myself. For me, it was, if I don’t take care of myself, who else would do that?
I grew up in the family where you need to take care of yourself, be enough for yourself, never rely on others, be strong and self-sufficient.

And I learn at a very early age to start protecting myself and stand up for myself.
To the point that it became normal behavior for me and even something to be proud of.

And anyway society today supports this image of the woman, who is independent, strong and capable of taking care of her.

But in my relationship that did not sit well with my boyfriend. He wants to protect me, to take care of me (not financially – I earn enough for myself).
And I did not let him. It was not safe.
In my head, I was still living in a hostile environment, constantly on guard, when somebody will attack me or take advantage of me.

It took me a long time to feel safe enough to put down my armor and let him do the things for me.
And I was surprised how that increase love in your relationship.

When we stop being ourselves in the relationship, partner can’t find us to love us

The problem with stop being ourselves in a relationship is that we are missing in our relationship.
The person that our partner fall in love with, slowly disappear.

How does that happen?

A lot of times we are preoccupied with trying to be the best possible version for our partner (according to whom?- everybody has different role models) that we forget what we want,
what makes us happy and suddenly we change so much (to keep love) that the woman who he falls in love with, completely disappear.

So many relationship advice’s is how to change the way you communicate, relate, treat each other.
And then you try to be and live all that, but that’s hard.

When you need to just remove all barriers that preventing you to remember who you are and you would naturally treat your partner in the most loving way, that will surprise both of you. That will surprise you with the depth of love that you will feel.

Trying to change your partner

We enter into a relationship with so many images of ideal relationship and images how that supposed to look like.
Sometimes even from our parent’s marriage (which most often than not was not happen).
All this illusions and expectation how our life together supposed to look like.

I know I have this funny idea that Saturday is the day when the house needs to be cleaned (of course my mother gave me this idea) and that’s the way it is.
After a year or so I discover that he clean the house as much as I do, just not on my timing and my way.

It always starts with small things like cleaning and then they just pile up and bring tension into the house and throw laughter and ease out.

Playing a mother or father to your partner

When a woman plays a mother to her partner and treats him like a child, that could be very painful for a man.
He did not marry her to get another mother.

And vice versa when a man plays a father to his wife is showing her, that he does not see real value in her, he sees her as a child.

How to save your marriage after infidelity

Now that you know what the reasons for infidelity in a relationship are, what could you do about it?
If you notice that you are doing any of this, how could you change that behavior?

How could you start building your relationship again instead of slowly destroying it?
Start with small steps. And do not blame yourself or feel guilty; do not be afraid to change.

It is never too late to start again from the place of love instead of the voice in your head
which try to control you with fears about losing your love and doing all these insane ineffective things to keep you safe.

Read more about infidelity and simple process to deal with it HERE

Is it true once a cheater always a cheater?

it depends on why they cheat.
If they only cheat because they were lacking something important for them in a relationship and at the end find that somewhere else.
They will never cheat again.
In that case, if you know what is important to him, it is easy to protect your marriage from infidelity.

But if it is not that, then they will always cheat. Sometimes people cheat because they don’t want to be to close to somebody.
It is easier to be a little close to one person and a little close to another at the same time.
Those who cheat over and over again are too afraid to be to close to someone.

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