If I regret one thing about rebuilding the trust, I regret spending so much time trying to get trust in others back.
If I could go back in time, that’s what I would do instead of trying to trust others again:
Learn how to trust myself first
That’s what I did after I was just too heartbroken and tired of trusting people, who did not deserve my trust.
I just did not want to go there, I was just empty and too depressed. I was ready to give up on trusting anyone for a lifetime.
And one more thing that I did was that I didn’t follow other people advice on how to trust myself. I stopped listening to all well-meaning advice from ‘friends’ and experts.
I mean, how could I trust them, before I learn to trust myself to discern if they have my best interest at heart?
It looks like a paradox, listening to others how to regain trust in myself.
Where to start to regain trust in myself?
The only obvious answer was to find moments in my life when I did trust myself and follow my own guidance. That lead me back into my childhood.
When I was still able to hear the voice inside me. The voice that said, that our kindergarten teacher does not like us. That she hates that job and hate the kids. The voice that said that behind the smiling face and sweet words of neighbor was a person full of judgment and criticism of me.
The voice that said, that behind the teacher accusation of my improper behavior was his jealousy of my school success and pain because he as a teacher has such an unintelligent daughter. And the pain of my mother believing him not me.
There were many more moments from my past, where I was learning to stop trusting my own voice because all I get from that was a painful realization that life is just not fair. That life is easier if I just became numb and stop seeing people for who they are. It was less painful to just perceive them for whom they pretend to be.
That night I get my trust in myself back.
It was a long evening and even a longer night when I sat down with a notebook and start writing about all those moments. Uncovering moment after moment of listening to my own voice. It was a night full of crying, regretting, feeling sadness, loneliness and also admiration for all those little girls that I was. The brave little child with wide open heart and trust in others and myself. What a wise little being I was all along. When I wrote down the last piece of memory, it was three in the morning. And my heart was sore but wide open. I felt so alive and full of energy and at the same time so powerful. But not in the sense that I could do anything, achieve anything that I want. It was a different kind of power. More a feeling of ease, softness, feeling that I could finally allow myself to trust my inner voice. In that night I met again with my true self. That I keep avoiding for years.
So that’s where I lost trust in myself, I thought with little sadness and a lot of regrets.
True reason that I didn’t trust myself.
It was just one long night and that was it. Without a reason to suppress the voice of my true self, there wasn’t any need to go thru the long process of learning to trust myself.
The understanding that the reason that I did not trust myself, because that only brought me pain. It was easier not knowing. So I just start ignoring the voice of my true self, until It became so quiet that I could easily overhear it.
Life has changed since then, now I am free to decide who will be part of my life and whom I will avoid. I am free to trust my voice regarding whom to trust to let them into my life.
Finally, I don’t feel so powerless anymore. I am not afraid anymore of being used and let down.
I don’t need to trust my spouse the same way I trust myself.
I only need to trust myself to handle whatever he does or whatever happens in life and I need to trust the universe to only provide that which I could deal with.
Even though it seemed unusual that I don’t need to trust my spouse, it filed me with great relief. This put the power for my happiness back into my own hands. I knew I could handle anything life (or he) threw at me.
At the end trusting myself is much easier than trying to control my spouse behavior, especially for eternity.
The way to trust your spouse
I trust him, that he will do what is best for him at the moment. Regardless of my expectations that he will behave in a certain way.
When there is no expectation or limitation that our partner needs to live up to in relationship, a lot of times there is no desire to break them.
How would you cross the boundaries when there are none?