It happen more often than you think, that partner became distant either physically or emotionally or both.
What is the real reason for that?
Have you ever stopped before you react and ask without seeking who is guilty, why that happens?
Let’s look without blaming either you or your partner; what is really going on, or what could go on when this happens?
Why your husband (boyfriend) became distant:
- He finally feels safe enough with somebody that’s you and that started healing of past wounds
- he just needs time for himself to be in his own space
- your partner is a highly sensitive person
- He (his mind to be more precise) does not feel safe and put on safety armor
- That partner wide open the heart because of your love and that scare him
- You see separation because you were taught how relationship supposed to look like
How could you support distant husband without seeking marriage counseling?
He finally feels safe enough with somebody – that’s you and that started healing of past wounds
He feels safe enough, embraced with your love and that started healing of some past wounds and he temporarily windrows. If you keep surrounding him with the love he could release these past memories, being supported by your love. If you start doubting his love in those moments, he loses your support and can get stuck in process of healing and start protecting and closing his heart instead of allowing the scar to heal.
How to support him in the process of healing past wounds
Imagine that he is on the battlefield of life when he meets you. More and more he gets closed to you, more he feels safe. Now he could put down his warrior identity and start healing old battlefield wounds and scars. It is like a hospital in the backside of a battlefield with nurturing and soft, loving, kind hands of nurses.
Now he could lie down and allow old wounds to be healed.
But when he withdrew, he withdrew to rest. You give medicine and healing touch to his wounds. And then allowed him to sleep and rest.
And he could do that only if he is sure that you are holding him safe in the embrace of your love. When you start doubting, he senses that he is again on the battlefield and stop healing the wounds and put on his armor again.
he just needs time for himself to be in his own space
This is a normal part of your relationship the less you worried about him, the faster he will come back. He just needs to clear space where he could clearly see what he want without being interwoven with your energy and thought. He just needs clear space. He needs space, gives it with your mind, but do not close your heart.
He needs time to think, take distance to reevaluate, feel safe, embody all changes and for that, he needs your energy.
When you go into stories: he doesn’t love me and withdrew you, love, he loses your loving support for integrated all the changes inside him and need more time to refill his energy reserve without the flow of your love. Now he needs his energy to build a protective shield around his cave.
Before your love was protecting him, now he needs to protect him from your doubts. Your love is no longer protecting him while he is in his cave refilling his cup of energy. So he uses his own energy for protection. And then it takes longer because part of his energy is at the door of the cave and he could not use it.
So it takes longer with the remaining energy to finish the process.
The only marriage counseling that your husband needs, in this case, is leaving him alone physically but always stay connected with his heart.
Your partner is a highly sensitive person
Highly sensitive man absorbs other people energy too easily and too quickly, he doesn’t have the ability to stop that, so he needs time away from (ALL) people including you to clear that out from time to time.
His nervous system is hardwired to notice and process more information and sensory input, all the time. Most men are not highly sensitive, but many men are far more sensitive than they want anyone else to know.
A highly sensitive man need space and alone time in order to process his thoughts and feelings. No matter how much you want to be there next to him, sometimes you’ve just needed to step back and let him be.
If you are not sure if he is highly sensitive person, you could take a quiz HERE and try to answer on behalf of your partner.
One of the best books that will help you to better understand him is The highly sensitive man: Finding Strenght in Sensitivity
written by Tom Falkenstein.
But if you need more practical tips how to relate to him, then read
The highly sensitive person in love written by Elaine N. Aron Ph.D. It is written from the perspective of highly sensitive person and non-highly sensitive person. It’s full of practical tips how to love and be loved by highly sensitive person.
He (his mind to be more precise) does not feel safe and put on safety armor
When we get to close to somebody after we haven’t experienced this for a long time, interesting thing happen. The armor that we put on to protect our heart, open a little.
Our heart is a powerful organ and the center of our real self.
It has no thoughts, stories, how to manuals, limitation to follow, role models,
It is an entrance to the source of the unlimited power of love.
But it has one guardian, the Mind, more precisely ego-mind.
Ego mind believes that he needs to protect the heart. And get scared when the safety armor around heart starts to open up (that what love does, that’s the power of your love).
And ego reacts and start convincing your partner that he needs to distance himself from you because armor starts to drop, to open under the power of your love. And he feels exposed without armor, he feels vulnerable.
How to support him
His ego-mind could not resist the power of your love, but when you start to doubt in yourself and the love, that block the flow of your love.
When you start questioning if he loves you, that will make your love weaker. So do not give into these doubts. And your partner needs your love to not be overtaken by his ego-mind.
That partner wide open the heart because of your love and that scare him
He feels so safe embraced with your love that he wide open his heart but then his mind kick in because it is so unfamiliar.
And that scares him so he gets distant to integrate that (you need to give him space to do that,
if you pressure him, he will start to build armor around his heart instead of using alone time to get used to that feeling of open heart and vulnerability.)
You need to give him all the physical space that he needs and at the same time leave your heart wide open to support him. That is not the time to dwell on your emotions (you could listen to this recording to help you if you experience difficult emotions).
The more you could do that, the faster he will come back to you even physically.
You see separation because you were taught how relationship supposed to look like
What if he does not experience any separation? But you see it as such, because you have certain images, believes stories, expectations about how a successful relationship should look like.
When a partner stops acting according to that expectation, you could get scared or start to worrying. And you start to close your heart, you start to protect yourself. And then he notices that and became distant. It is like you create a wall with a closed door between your hearts.
But what if this wall and the closed door is just illusion that your mind created and you start to believe it?
As one of my favorite marriage counseling quote from Rumi says:
They say there is a doorway from heart to heart, but what is the use of a door when there are no walls?”
What if physical separation has nothing to do with separating your hearts?
But your mind tried to convince you that it is another way around. He closed his heart from you and then physically remove himself.
But what if the opposite is true? He physically windrows and you closed your heart from fear of being hurt and then you could not feel his heart anymore.
Let him be physically distant without giving any meaning to it.
The last marriage counseling tip – for deepening the love with your distant husband
Now that you understand all the possible reasons why he might become distant you could always share with him your fears, how you feel when he became distant.
And always include that you know that that has nothing to do with him and that he doesn’t need to do anything about them, that are just your fears from the past and you just want to share it with him.