When you start your own healing journey of recovering from childhood attachment wounds you need to go thru 3 stages to finally feel safe in create healthy relationship with others.
STAGE 1: You realize terrible truth that you did not get from parents what you need
Your parents did not give you what you need to grow up. It doesn’t matter what were the reasons the horrible truth is that you are lacking something inside you that they need to provide
and they fail at it. The emotions that goes with that realization need to be validated and felt.
Support from people who could holding loving space while you move thru difficult emotions without trying to take away your pain,may be needed.
STAGE 2: You go thru process of mourning, deep sorrow for losing the the idealized version of your parents
After you came to term with the truth about your parents, you will feel overwhelmed by sadness and loss.
With parents that failed at taking loving care for you, you lose not just them but also the illusion that you will ever get what you always secretly wish for in spite of them proving you wrong
over and over again.
When you get stuck in this stage and keep hoping that they will change, the grieving processes can help you to move thru. Instead of avoiding grieving it is important to see, what will grieving give you.
It will not take away the hope to get the loving connection. It will open up possibilities to get the loving connection from somebody else.
Healing affect goes in both ways.
If they change and give you the love that you always crave from the, your relationship blueprint will change an you finally feel whole.
If you grieve the loss of them, you will make space for somebody else to enter into your life and help you to repair your relationship blueprint and that will change your parents also.
There is invisible web that connect us with family and when we heal, all of the family benefit from that.
It just that for some it take longer to see that on the outside.
STAGE 3: Imagine a new mother or a father to repair and create healthy attachment blueprint in the brain and body
At that stage, after you went thru grieving the loss of hope that your parents will change and give you what you need and still wish for, you could feel lost, empty and alone.
Realization that now you don’t have nobody start to sink in.
At the same time something inside you still need the mother that you never had.
You have every right to feel so. In-spite some well meaning advice, you could not mother yourself. It’s only partially true that you are grown up and you don’t need mother to survive right now.
You still need to have feeling of having loving and caring mother. Without that you brain could not change the patterns for future relationship with others. And give you safety that you did not get
from your parents. You could not create those healthy blueprints inside you by just playing mother to yourself.
That why is important to use process to imagine your ideal mother or father, feel the feeling of having them and pair that with bilateral stimulation (that is simple taping alternatively on left and right side of
your body while you feel and imagine having ideal mother.
If you are like most of us, your parents were not missing all the time. Sometimes you did get the love from them. Or get the love in some form and lack in another. Did your mother financially support you?
Where there moments of support and caring following with moments of absence and criticism?
You could embrace the good moments from your real parents and add to that memory imaginary ideal mother or father.
Imagining has nothing to do with wishful thinking and changing your past. But when you use imagination and pair it with bilateral stimulation that will change, your patterns of relating to others.
You could learn more about that in my FREE Change your relationship blueprint COURSE.
It’s about rewiring your brain to react differently to create relationship with others that you did not have in your childhood.
You won’t forget what really happened, you are creating new neural pathways in your brain, activating the parts where information about childhood wounds are stored and changing them. This can help you feel and act differently in your present life