Why Can’t We Say No?
There are 3 reasons why you just can’t say no to others:
· your body feels that is not safe to say NO
· You feel overwhelmed with feelings of guilt when you say NO
· You are carrying other people instead of caring for them
The one thing that you don’t need to hear again, if you have hard time to say no is, all the reasons why is unhealthy to always say YES.
I still remember, that on top of feeling guilty that I always put others first, I felt ashamed because I just couldn’t stop saying Yes.
I knew that I should stop saying yes during the study at university when my friend was playing helpless victim and saying that I am only one who could save her and help her finish the paper on time. .
But knowing that didn’t help me to actually do it and say No, Renata, you are smart enough and you are perfectly capable to do that on your own.
Renata was not the only one who I had hard time saying no. It goes way back to kindergarten where Heidi manage to convince me to finish drawing the boring rectangles instead of her that our teacher gave us to practice.
Your body feels that is not safe to say NO
My training to say YES, started even earlier, with my parents. When I was trying to get the love that I need or not being punished, I learned that is safer to always say yes. Notice in advance what others needs and gave that to them. That was my way to stay safe and survive.
Does that sound familiar to you?
When I got older, I became aware that my friends are taking advantage of me. That later make me feel angry or even ashamed of myself. Lead me to stop doing that, but that only left me being alone without friends and playmates. I didn’t know then that fear of not being loved and accepted or even being punished was being imprinted deep into my subconscious mind
I was drawn only to people who used me. Better put they were drawn to me.
Why can’t you stop saying NO?
The reason, many times, is that, to some part of you inside, doing what you think is “wrong” is the right thing to do. This part may even be trying to protect you from harm as it helped me to not be punished in my childhood.
How to say NO even when the part of you doesn’t feel safe.
Now that you understand that you have perfectly valid reason to say NO, how do you change that?
How do you handle a part of yourself that doesn’t feel safe, or that leads you to do things that are against your values or desires?
You know that just deciding to ignore those feeling doesn’t work.
You probably have never tried to do the one thing that would work, which is spending time sensing deeply into what may be behind your feelings.
They deserve to be listened to with compassion by you.
They have a purpose and some good reason for being there and feeling the way they do.
They’re hurting in some fashion. You don’t have to agree with them—nor, obviously, do their bidding— to extend to them the compassionate understanding they need.
But if you want these aspects of yourself to transform, give them the listening that they’ve never received.
You can silently say to whatever felt sense you’ve become aware of, “so you’re angry—or sad— or afraid.,”
Whatever it is experiencing and then pay attention to see, if you can feel a response inside,
as though something within you feels better understood and cared for.
You don’t know how to deal with feelings of guilt if you say NO.
Being people pleaser means that you never learn how to deal with your emotions. And it’s not just about not feeling safe and earning love.
From the day you were born till today, you stuffed tons of emotions inside your body. You are ashamed that you allowed other people to use you as a doormat. You feel guilty that you can’t put firm boundaries. And below all that is a lot of anger and rage that people treat you unfairly, taking advantage of you. The pain that people who suppose to love you the most, your friends and family did that to you. If you would just start saying YES, all that emotional energy would burst wide open.
And you wouldn’t be capable of handling it.
That’s the reason that you can’t just say NO.
You need to slowly start to release, transform those stuck emotions, those energy.
If you don’t know how to start – start with my Change your relationship blueprint free course.I will show you there how to slowly and safely transform your emotions without being overwhelmed by them.
You are carrying other people instead of caring for them
Are you carrying other people instead of caring for them?
Carrying is when we worry about another person’s live. Often the underlying message that the other feels is
that you’re afraid that she does not have power, energy, and wisdom to take care of her life.
You see hers, as she’s not capable of taking care of herself.
(In love relationship sometimes and not always this appear as mother-son or father – daughter behavior)
Caring -loving someone unconditionally
Caring is when you love them without conditions or needing to change them. You believe that they are
capable to solve their problems and have enough energy and wisdom to live their life.
How you body will know the difference
Carrying other people problems – judgment about them or others
You could use your body to recognize if you are carrying somebody else or you just care for that person.
So, how to know if you CARE for others or CARRYING THEM?
Bring one person that you worried about or want to take care of,
How is your diaphragm (solar plexus, belly) feeling, when you bring this person in front of you or thinking about?
If it’s TENSE – that’s the sing hat you are CARRYING this person and now just watch how drain your body
start to become.
So if that what you feel toward them would be love (or you deeply care about them.) why would solar
plexus become tense?
Wouldn’t it be kind of opposite if it is just care with LOVE that you are feeling? Wouldn’t you become?
more vibrant and not drained?
my experience has taught me that it is not enough to treat the symptoms-learning polite and firm ways to say NO.
You must first deal with the sources of those symptoms- why you can’t say no.
Saying an Honest No -tips and scenarios
I learn those tips during my certification process with Byron Katie.
I hear you and NO.
I understand and NO.
I love you and NO.
I really appreciate that you asked me and NO.
Here are the possible scenarios to use those tips:
2. A co-worker asks for a favor
…I have a hair appointment at lunch. Could you cover for me at the desk?
You know, actually, I’m unable to.
Oh, come on. I’ll cover for you next time.
You know, I really appreciate that. I’ll look forward to that for sure. And I’m unable to cover you on this one, but I know you’ll have a great time at the hair-dresser.
You’re not being a team player here!
You know, it really looks that way, doesn’t it? And of course, as we know, I am.
The boss asks that you skip some family time for work
1. The boss asks that you skip some family time for work
HI know it’s 4 o’clock Friday afternoon, but I just remembered I need the report by Monday morning.
You know, actually, I’m unable to. I can’t. But I know there’s another way. Why don’t you call … so-and-so.
Oh, but –I need YOU to do it.
You know, I hear that, and I’m unable to..
Surely, you could just do it tonight, after dinner.
You know, actually, I’m unable to. I can’t.
This is going to show up on your annual review.
I hear that, and I think that’s a very honest thing to do, because in reality, that’s correct.
3. You son who wants the car
Hey Dad! Can I use your car to go to the mall?
No, actually, no.
All my friend’s parents let them use the car.
Oh, my good, it’s true, isn’t it? You know, we really have different ways.
If you loved me, you’d let me use the car.
You know, it’s so fascinating you would say that. You know, I love you with all my heart, and I’m not letting you use the car.
Dad, I hate you! Everything in my life that’s wrong is wrong because of you.
Oh, Simon. I’m so sorry you feel that way.
Practice those tips only after you transformed your emotions of guilt.