Why I stop trying to improve my relationship
One day I just have enough trying to improve my relationship. It was just too much work and on top of taking care of a small child and full-time job and occasional exercise for my body to stay healthy, there was just no time left for just be and relax. I was exhausted.
It has to be some other way. Advice to work diligently on improving relationship as a way to solve relationship problems just did not work for me. What I discovered instead actually save me energy and time and it takes me just 3-5 minutes each day.
What I discover with seeking different ways to deepen the love in a relationship
So I started my exploration right where I was. Why I am so exhausted? Why so many advice on how to solve relationship problem make me even more tired instead of more loving.
What I discover was:
– focusing more on what is wrong in a relationship instead of what I like; that makes me tired
Shifting the focus from what’s wrong with our relationship to what is great; take away some heavy feeling (of failure, of not being successful).
Thinking less about what is missing and more about what we already have in the relationship gives me the feeling that our relationship is great. When there was love already it was more the choice if I want to do something for our relationship, not something that I have to do for the relationship to survive or even thrive.
– seeing myself and my spouse as full of love makes me feel more loved
When I start to see him as full of love, he responds from that place. The loving part inside him, which was more real; respond to me. In comparison to before when he needs to put on his armor of protection when I tried to improve or change our relationship.
We all have childhood memories and past relationship full of hurt and pain, but that does not mean that because of that we have less love to give. I have no idea who invented that ‘truth’, that being hurt makes you less capable of giving and feeling love. You just closed the door. The minute I focus my attention on my spouse heart, into his love reservoir, the door will start to open. That just how it’s worked.
John Donohue expressed that so beautifully
What happens after I focus on feeling more love- connecting with my inner source of love
– I don’t care anymore if his habits and way of doing things in-house are different then mine. I discovered that I want him to do things my way came from lack of safety And when I am full of love, I don’t care about safety. I care about being safe when I am in fear. And I could feel love only when there is no fear, so no need for safety. It’s silly when I look back and see how I wanted to have the exact same spot for his and for my towel in the bathroom and get upset if he took my towel after I explain to him which one is his. Or I became upset because the coffee pot was now on the different side of the shelf.
No, I just see that as silly and laugh at myself.
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– I don’t need to hear from him praise or confirmation of my value in his eyes and his words
I found out that no matter how many times he shares why he loves me and what value in me as a partner, the feeling of being worthy enough for him newer last. No matter how many gifts I receive and how many things he did for me, the feeling that I am worthy of his love came and go. That was the same as when I was 20 years old and I dye my hair to blond, change my haircut and suddenly get so much attention an compliments. But on the inside, I was still the same old girl, who is not worthy of love. Only when I focus more on who I am I finally get in touch with myself and love inside my heart.
I stop comparing my relationship to some ideal relationship in my head
When I try to improve or change my partner, myself, our relationship, what happens? I need to improve our relationship, then there is something wrong or need to different. How do I know that there is something that needs to be different? I compare it to some ideal relationship. Yet every relationship is unique because we are unique, so trying to be some dream relationship will just be like trying to be what we are not. For improving ng you always need to compare and change to some other people version of the ideal partner. And what that has to do with your unique relationship? Nothing and that’s what I discover when I stop comparing with other people relationship (or even description in commercial, media, magazines, book, movies, how-tos book) I stop trying to change myself or my spouse into somebody who we are not. So when I focus on remembering who I am and seeing love in him, I start to become more of who I am and supporting him to do the same. In essence, we are in love. That sound so corny, but I discovered that is closer to the truth than trying to improve myself according to other people creation of dream relationship and with that bringing more love in my life. If for love to flow from my heart inside me, I need to become more in touch with me. Trying to become ideal partner from how-tos self-help book will just change me to somebody that I am not and move me away from the only source of love, my heart.
I don’t need to release all my painful memories and hurt before I feel the love inside me
We don’t have one the same storage space inside of our heart for love and hurt. So when we still have a past relationship and childhood wounds that mean that we could not fully experience love. If you don’t believe me, think about the moment when you hear a good joke while you are in emotional or physical pain. For a second you are out of it. How is that possible? That is the proof; you just removed your mind from the pain to the place of feeling amazingly joyful and good.
And that has nothing to do with positive thinking. And has everything to do with seeing you as a whole, not broken and in the need of fixing.
There is the difference between seeing you as being a perfect partner just as you are and seeking yourself as lacking something and need improvement.
In the first case, being perfect as you are, there is nothing wrong with you; you are just learning how to open that perfect part full of love to your partner. Nobody is trying to change you. It is just finding a way to remember who you are and how to connect with that part more.
Read more about ideas about how to bring more love into your relationship instead of trying to improve it HERE