Are these 5 myths keeping you from find true love
1. Love yourself first (and the rest will follow)
2. You believe that you are not worthy of finding true love
3. Expectation – list of non-negotiable qualities of an ideal partner
4. Dates are the best way to get to know each other and find true love
5. You could heal past relationship wounds with mind therapy and find true love
Are these 5 myths keeping you from finding true love?
What can you do to release them and replace them with ways that will actually help you to find true love?
Have you ever tried to love yourself completely and fail?
I tried to love myself. I truly did. But that did not get me far.
I searched and searched for new ways, new tips, and even a spiritual process to achieve that. With very little success. I mean, how could you truly love yourself?
I follow all kind of advice and tips like:
• Pay yourself an amazing compliment, & make it meaningful.
• Write a love letter to yourself
• Do something good for others
• Be kind and nice to yourself, pamper yourself
Did I felt more love for myself after trying all this? No.
I was so sick of advice to love myself first and disappointed that it did not work.
What if trying to love yourself more is preventing you to be loved
At the end of the day, I discover that:
Hugging myself is just not the same as hugging another human being.
Do you know why?
Because love is this feeling of flow, enormous feeling that flow thru you from your heart.
And it does not feel good if you try to keep it inside you and if you try to keep it by yourself.
It is painful to keep it inside.
How I throw away all this insane advice about loving yourself more
I discover that no amount of actions for myself will make me fall in love with myself.
So I just give up. I just give up trying to love myself.
I just gave up and go back to my life. I decided that even if I will be single for the rest of my life at least I could start to enjoy it, finding things that I would love to do.
At the same time, I came up (or something inside me came up) with this crazy idea about mountain biking.
And I bought a mountain bike. I know it was an insane idea, me with little physical stamina. To my surprise, I find out that I genuinely enjoy riding through nature, forest, along mountain roads. As long I stay on roads. And my body slowly follows.
And thru my bike rides on mountains roads, I came to a surprising discovery.
The more I do things that bring me joy and be myself the more I feel love inside me.
And the more others want to be around me, get to know me.
And it also helps that on the gravel mountain roads I did not care how I look or what will others think about me, my body was just too tired and my mind have no energy left to think about such unimportant stuff. I could relax and just enjoy and be me.
Being YOU and the he self-love will follow
It turns out that it is not about loving myself, it is more about being who I am, authentic.
And less the mind is involved in searching, the more I feel my heart.
The less mind was involved the fewer fears I have.
The fewer fears I have the more this feeling inside me grow.
The less I judge myself, the more I have this loving feeling inside me.
The less I try to be something or play some role the more I could relax.
The more I could relax, the more I forget to be that or this role for people around me.
The more I forget who to be and who others need to be, the more at ease I start to feel.
Do you doubt that you are worthy of love?
What if that is not true?
What if the problem is not that you are not worthy of love. That you are not lovable.
The problem is that there is no ‘I’ that others would love.
The problem is that there is no ‘I’ that could be worthy of love.
Are you missing in your body and in your life?
Instead of changing believe I am not worthy of love or I am not lovable or I need to be loved.
What about seeing that this ‘I’ that try to be loved and she/he is not is just a bunch of identities, roles that others give it to you or you take it as yours.
So what about releasing these roles that you play?
And what will be left will be I.
So it is not about releasing the believe I am not worthy of love.
You were born original, don’t die as a copy.
You are trying to change your copy to feel worthy. That’s why you will never succeed.
Be original. As original, you will never feel unworthy. How could you?
Because you are unique, there are no rules that you need to measure up to be worthy.
When you are unique, you can’t try to be worthy, there is no definition of that either.
You are hiding – there is no I to be worthy of love- that’s the problem
When you start to realize that problem is that there is no ‘I’ you are well on your way to release the unworthy belief. And yes, the false ‘I’, the identities are not worthy of love.
So instead of questioning
How to change believe I am not worthy of love into I am worthy of love, do something else.
Stop being this fictional character in the movie of your life, which feels this unworthiness.
Stop playing that role. And just be you.
Your identities, your roles are the only one NOT worthy of love, not you
Look at that from another perspective: Your identities are not worthy of love. And that is true
So instead of turning that I am not worthy of love into I am worthy of love,
See that problem is in the ‘I’ that is missing.
Your identities are not worthy of love.
I am worthy of love.
And there is nothing to prove. You are not trying to find examples of I am worthy or I am not worthy.
You realize that as long as you’re living your life from the roles, there is no I that could be worthy of love.
When you stop living your life from roles, you just are worthy and your life will show you that this is true.
You just need to release false ‘I’ and uncover the real ‘I’.
I saw story after story about women and men who have this desire and need to be loved, but when we start to explore who are they, who is this person inside of him or her that need to be loved,
we discover that there is no I. There was nobody home to be loved. Nobody in this body to be loved.
They left long ago, in childhood, when the life became painful, piece after piece left them and now there is almost nothing left in her.
How could somebody love her or him, if s/he is almost totally absent? All it is left is a heap of protection and roles that s/he play, believing that that is her or him.
And s/he keeps trying to change these roles to be more liked, admired and loved.
So when you start wondering about yourself What if I am not worthy of love?
Is it possible that you are hiding so deep that practically nobody is capable of finding you?
Expectation – list of non-negotiable qualities of an ideal partner
How many of you have some picture in your head of your ideal mate,
Some list of qualities or even common interest, hobbies your mate supposed to have.
What qualities are non-negotiable? What is on your lists that will prevent you from being hurt.
Which expectation is necessary for you to feel safe.
Our non-negotiable checklist of qualities is about being safe in a relationship.
We often have an expectation that we project onto one another, based on our past experience what would keep us safe.
And what identity of husband or boyfriend or girlfriend or wife should look like for us to feel safe.
And if the other person doesn’t look like that, then we are disappointed.
And when we get disappointed with the other the expectation was the fault, not the other person.
Is this mean that we should not have an expectation?
No, and we need to be aware that expectation takes us out of the flow with each other.
How many expectations do you have about the relationship?
Is this even yours or society give it to you and you accept it as normal and real?
The interesting thing is that it is hard to make it right when there is no right to get (when there is no expectation there is no right way)
What if you will not give up anything when you give up your expectation?
What if you will make room for something so much bigger than you will never go back to this small part of you, limited with expectations for yourself and another person?
Expectations as a reason to avoid opening your heart to another.
What your rulebooks about relationship said?
What is interesting here is that MIND comes up with this LIST
And you want a relationship with your partner’s HEART, right?
You want to feel the love between you and the beloved.
If we have this list in our head, this definition of how our partner should be,
How many people in the whole world would have those qualities?
How many would not be able to pass this test?
Having no list of expectation or qualities about our partner means that your ego doesn’t have
Reasons to work on that and avoiding being open to love and being close to another
You even don’t notice that you are living from, when I will overcome everything that is wrong with me.
And that means NEVER.
And remember that being kind and loving to yourself and others is not quality that one has or not.
If it came from being taught or trained or practiced it came from the mind. And when somebody has a stressful moment or crisis, it will show, s/he could not be loving and kind.
Only when you fully open your heart, the love that will flow from you will bring natural kindness and loving ways that even at the stressful moments could not be taken away.
You create expectation and a list of qualities to protect yourself from being hurt and abandoned.
Yet you don’t now that expectations and list are a roadmap that leads exactly there – being hurt or abandoned.
When there are no rules to follow, love could flow freely, nobody is afraid to make a mistake and be judged.
When nobody judges us, we naturally stay open to love.
The real-life story about a list of expectation
Anja list of expectation said that if somebody loves you after some time they will move in together and that for her was proof that he loves her.
The problem was that Tim could not commit to that.
After three years of dating Anja start to doubt into his love.
She was hurt and disappointed. For her living together would be proof of his commitment to a long-lasting relationship. Her expectation was when somebody loves you, he wants to live with you
But Tim has a totally different set of expectation (or list)
His list of expectations about her was something like
If she stays with him long enough, four years was his imaginary number that is the proof that Anja will not leave him and then he would consider moving in with her.
Tim could not understand why Anja would not believe him when he said that he loves her. What love has to do with living together before he is sure that she will not abandon and hurt him.
This story has a happy ending, but it could easily end up in separation.
When Anja gave up her list of expectations, he shares with her his fears that they will move in together and then she will leave and hurt him.
So in love story of Anja and Tim if both stick with their expectation, they could easily break up. Not because love was not there, but because of expectation.Get FREE workbook with 5 steps that will lead you to your true love
Dates are the best way to get to know each other and find true love
What if dates are actually not the best ways for you?
Why? Because you could not relax and just be yourself. You know that would be the best way.
But is it realistic?
It is like every school test, job interview or any evaluation. You know that you need to show and be the best version of you but that is not easy under the pressure of succeeding.
The body could not relax completely for most of us if we are on trial.
We seldom could show who we really are.
Then the mind starts calculating and testing another person if this person is trustworthy, is it safe and again we put up barriers.
So in the end, instead of getting to know each other better, you know a little bit more about fear of being hurt if the person is very reserved or very outspoken.
Maybe she talks too much when she is nervous and could not stop and he interprets that as she is selfish and talks only about her.
Maybe he is assertive because she is so much reserved that he could not sense her and try to get closer to her and try to find out what is she hiding.
We have so many mind stories what each action, behavior mean and it all could be incorrect.
Are you searching for love in all the wrong places?
Are you going on the dates and feeling like you are on trial or being evaluated or vice versa.
How could you two genuinely get to know each other and show who you are if you are under such pressure?
Story of Luke and Ally
Ally meets Luke online and then they decide to go on a date to get to know each other more.
But Ally was not truly relaxed, she worried a little if Luke is actually the guy that he describes himself as and she was a little bit reserved and because of past memories about being hurt, she wasn’t completely open. And she tried to hide that with a little acting. She also felt like she is on trial, being evaluated by Luke. Will he like her, is he trustworthy, better be on guard.
Trying to impress
On the other side Luke also has his own set of fears, what will she think of him. Will he made a good impression on her, will she try to control him as his ex, he needs to test her if she is controlling.
So there they finally meet with all these fears and expectation and none of them was being real.
They try hard to figure out each other, to impress each other, to protect themselves from being hurt or controlled.
At the end Ally never actually meet real Luke and Luke did not have the opportunity to sense who Ally is.
And they never went on the second date.
How hard is to be you when you are evaluated by another?
Ally could be exactly what Luke was searching for. But could not see that, because Ally was hiding, trying to impress and being tense because of that.
And Luke could make a good impression on Ally if he wouldn’t try so hard and protect him with doubting in her and trying to get sure that she is not another version of his controlling ex.
Eva and John – hobbies that lead them to each other
Eva went hiking, because that what she genuinely love to do. She was not dressed to impress, she was enjoying herself walking up the mountain path, breathing deeply and not worrying about what others think about her. And there she meets John and they exchange a few words.
Eva did not care if she looks attractive enough; she was too tired to worry about such a detail. She did not go there to impress anybody and she could be herself and be relaxed.
So she was just her natural self.
On the other side, John also did not have to think what to say to her, be nervous as he was usually around women, not worried about being controlled by them and trying to protect him, he was just on the hiking trip, to get some exercise for his body, to clear his mind.
So he was pleasant for Eva to be around him. She did not feel being interrogated and on the test and she could see the real John.
Instead of planning to meet partner, go to places that you enjoy
There is nothing wrong with the dates. But if you try that and it did not work why you don’t just go and do what you enjoy and be yourself and meet people who enjoy the same things.
Where you could relax and not trying to impress. And show our best selves.
You don’t need to convince anybody or try to make a good impression. If you need to convince somebody that you are a perfect partner for him or her, he or she is definitely not what you are looking for.
The right one is the one that is impressed when you are who you are doing what you enjoy.
So go out and enjoy what you enjoy
Maybe love is waiting for you there. Even if it is not, you would still enjoy yourself. And more you enjoy yourself happier you became.
And that is the most attractive quality that we all seek in others.
Everybody loves to be around people who are happy.
You could heal past relationship wounds with therapy/counseling and find true love
What if you tried all those helpful advice, but could not follow them?
What if you followed all this advice and nothing changed?
Then maybe you need to take a different approach first.
What if every time that you experience deep pain in relationship with others (start with mother, father and continue with others) or you were hurt or somebody windrow love from you
You created this protection to survive.
And this protection is like frozen part of you that is inside your space, frozen in time, still the same age as you were when this happens.
And until you release that, something will always be blocking you in your effort to find love and relationship.
There are energetic processes that can help you.
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